Weeds

As believers we all will encounter seasons. Seasons of fruitfulness and seasons of empty baskets But it's what we do with the empty baskets that matters. It's how we position our hearts both prayerfully and with intentionality that we will see the works of our Father.

I was digging in the dirt this morning, pulling weeds from the front garden when the Lord spoke to me. He said "there are weeds that are easy to pull and discard but there are those that have deep roots, these are invasive ones, taking hold and are most of the time harder to pull out". Weeds are seasonal. Weeds come and become a nuisance when it's hot, humid and down right miserable. 

This started a conversation, I love when He talks to me in the garden. These are the analogies he gave me.

Summer:
Weeds thrive, they pop up wherever, whenever they please. When we're in a season of struggle, it makes us have feelings like we're under pressure, unhappy, insecure, under fire, that we're failures, that we're disconnected and the list goes on and on. There are so many deep rooted Satan driven lies in this season that we struggle in being able to hear from God because our mind is drowned out by the weeds planted by enemy. In an attempt to resolve things on our own, we let the scorching of the heat of the lies planted within burn us and that's the enemy's attempt to choke the SON out.

Winter:
Weeds don't grow in the winter. It's a season of hibernation and rest. It's crisp and the air is light. It's seems to be a bit quieter too. When the snow is falling, covering the outside world in white, it seems to be erasing what had been seen as normal for a season but instead it's giving us a clean slate. It's true, winter isn't without it's work either. We have to clear the paths covered in snow to walk on and windows to see but it's only the work necessary so we can move on and see clearly. 

For me, I believe that seasonality is a privilege given to Christ followers. I fully believe it's how we become mature Christians. If we are intentional about how we react when we're in the weeds and how we use the tools and experiences He's allowing us to go through during that season, then we are growing in faith. We are allowing the Gardner to prune us. We are relying on His grace and love. It's us being open and bringing all that we have to the feet of the Lord and allowing Him to work in us as only He can restoring the fruit to our empty basket.

Read: Romans 5:3-5

One day

To My Love:

It seemed that my faith was getting tired and my hope was slowly fading into an abyss of lost dreams. But then you came into my life, God gave me you. You are an answer to the prayers of generations who've come before me. The generations who knew that He would fulfill His promise to His daughter. To make her a bride to the one that loves her as he should, the one who treasures me as He wants His daughters to be.The emptiness in my heart left the day I met you. 

I had thought that one day I would find my paring soul and that it would be a feeling beyond my imagination. I can't help but adore you, my whole heart melts for you. Your beautiful soul brings me joy, laughter, calmness and inspiration. For once I can actually say, I'm in love. I can see a future with you, I can share my life with you. 

One of my favorite songs is "We Dance" by Bethel Music and these lyrics say what I know to be true in my heart:

You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won't lead me where You don't go

He took the lead, and in His time...all He wanted me to do was close my eyes and believe and He lead you here, here to me.

I love you, Always and Forever!
Nik

He always has, always will be

We all question it, even if you're a believer you've thought it. But in all honesty have you ever looked back at your life and wondered where God has been the entire time? If I were to take a good look at the highlight reel of my own, looking back at all the ups and downs, the good, bad and the ugly I'd realize that He was there all along. Although He may seem to be silent at times, I believe He never leaves His children. He is constantly present, waiting on us to reach out to Him. When we feel He's left us to our own accord or He has seemingly fallen quite and out of reach we get upset, defensive even and this gives the enemy foothold. But He loves us too much to leave us that way, He's given us Himself. The Bible says He will never leave us nor forsake us. I believe that.

I can't remember any part of my childhood until about age 7. But looking back. He was there. He was there when I sat on the front porch waiting for my biological dad to pick me up for our weekend visits and when he didn't show, He was there giving my mom the right words to say to calm the pain. He was there when I was molested by the same man who'd leave me waiting for hours on that front porch wondering if he loved me. He was there, weeping that His daughter was hurt. He was there when we moved every year during our youth and had to make new friends at new schools.  He was there when soccer games were won and tournaments played and He celebrated. He was there when we lost our first dog, He allowed the pain but provided comfort. He was there during the excitement of graduation and the nervousness of the first day of college. He was there with all the firsts, the new car, the first date, the first kiss, the first real job, the purchase of my first new home. He was there through good decisions cheering me on and through bad decisions, giving me ways out. He was there in happiness and sadness. He was there through the losses, the loss of a job, the loss of someone I loved, the loss of friends, the loss of money, stability and confidence. He was there, He was there, He was always there.. 

Embedding Himself within His children, He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with us that allows Him to be Who He is meant to be, the ruler of our hearts. I wholeheartedly believe He wants to make all our hopes and dreams come true, He has a plan. It's in His timing I have to trust. Although I can look back at my life and see where He's been, I can't see what's ahead. I'm not supposed to, that's faith. My heart aches for these two things more than anything. I have to believe that as part of His divine plan, He has a man for me that will love me just as I am, faults and all. I pray that I will one day there will be children, that there will be littles that He will bless to my husband and I and entrust us to raise God fearing disciples.

Lord I see you, I feel your presence. I know now that when I look back at my life that you've always been, will always be and will never leave. You are here. And for that, I'm incredibly thankful.

Love,

Your daughter 

Mountians We Climb

The mountains we climb are of dreams and life. The mountains we climb...are mountains of the heart, mind and soul. You can either attempt to climb these on your own, away from the comfort and support of those you know, or...

You can choose to go with others, a community. A community of people on the same mission, who have the same values, beliefs and who have similar dreams. A community who values the challenge of the mountain ahead and won't back down despite ragged edges and deep unknown crevices. 

These mountains are what build us to be who we're meant to be. Give us the strength to climb higher despite the detours and loss. These mountains are what shows us who's meant to be part of our community and who's not by weeding out those who aren't meant to go on the journey. We all face mountains,  no one person's mountain is higher than anyone else's. During our journey home, we will cross several ranges that must be concurred. None of us are protected from them. When you feel that mountain looming ahead, and you feel so small and so tired, tied of being strong for so long, keep going.

There, on the side of the giant, perfectly rugged, hand crafted by God masterpiece mountain, you will find the strength to continue. 

There's no going back you see. You must go forward. And when you lay your head down at night and you see your reflection in your tear stained pillow, remember that One who created the Heavens, the One who created you from dust, breaths life into you. 

So, take a deep long inhale and fill your lungs with life and grab the hands of those willing to lace up their boots with you. You all have places to go. Together. Tackle that mountain. 

And still I wonder

I'm not sure where to begin. I don't think I quite have the ability to explain it. These last few months have been a mystery to me. The fog is slowly starting to dissipate, and yet...I wonder.

Sometimes I wish I could go back 20 years and tell myself all the things that I'd have to endure, hard life lessons, painful ones that would absolutely break my heart, physical pains and mental anguish that I would torcher myself with but then I think...no. If I had any part of changing my story, I wouldn't. I'm not the author, I'm just the editor and knowing these things I would not have allowed God to work in my life as He has had I tried to prevent His plans.

What I wonder about is what's happened in the last couple of months. I have never in my walk with Jesus, been so in love with Him as I am now.I can't explain it, I wish I could do it justice but my words can ever be enough. It's that knee buckling, heart bursting overwhelming feeling of love, peace and thankfulness. I think about all that He has done for me, from choosing me before time to the cross to everything He has done in my life and it absolutely wrecks every part me. I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!

I'm in aw that this little ol' sinner has been pursued with such fierce love and attention and for that I was already in love with Him, but in the last couple of months He had to bring me to my knees to increase it, to increase my dependence on him and no one else to make me realize that He is my only source. He will provide and fulfil His promises. And when I started trusting Him in the dark, His light lifted me from the pit. 

I know some may think I'm a weird Jesus freak, but I don't care. When you've been pursued and sought after fiercely by the One who saved you, gave everything for you and loves you more than you can ever fathom, you'll come to understand why it's such a wonder. 

Lord, thank You for everything. Thank You for the trials that bring me closer to You, thank You for the opportunity to grow as Your daughter and thank You for loving me where I am and stretching me to be the disciple you want me to be. Lord, I ask that you help me to be more like you, help me to be less of me so that others see more of You.

Thy will be done

This has got to be one of the most difficult posts I've ever done and I'm not sure why He's leading me to write it today. As much as I'd like to keep this pushed down somewhere deep inside, I feel His love and I hear His whisper that I need to write about what hurts. It's the one thing that isn't allowing me to have total peace and creeps into my mind at night in the dark when the silence is overridden by my thoughts and tears soak my pillow. 

In the past 4 months since I've return from Kenya my family has been under attack, health concerns for most everyone, job losses and gains and relationship losses and gains. Satan has certainly had a field day. 

Here's the shadow. I've always dreamed of having a large family, being married to God fearing man and we wouldn have 5 children. Yes, 5. My daydreams created a hopeful heart of living in a craftsman style home with a large front porch with a swing where my family would grow and live happily ever after. But that's not my story, yet. I'm not married, I don't live in a craftsman style home and I don't have any children. I prayed for a husband and I've prayed for children for a very long time because all I've ever wanted was to be loved and to love, to take care of someone and for littles to call me mom. I've wanted to be able to carry my own children and know the miracle of birth. Have a little that looks like me, a little who I can look into their eyes and see myself when I was little. 

These lyrics below from Hillary Scott's "Thy will be done" are exactly what I feel. 

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I'll follow through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt
And these four words

Thy will be done"

In a week I'll be having surgery making it impossible for me to have children of my own. I feel so broken. While I'm at peace with most everything that has happened, this I can't seem to find peace with. This is what keeps me up at night, breaks my heart and where my tears flow. I thought that I was doing all that He has called me to do and the one thing that I've wanted most in my life will not happen the way I had dreamed it would. He has other plans.

"I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not"

I know He's faithful and I know He loves me but this is the one thing I'm torn with is being hurt and not understanding. So I will take this to the cross. I need a break, I need a mental vacation and I need to spend time with those who I love. I have to take some time away from it all and surrender all of this to Him.

"So thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me"

Prayer: 
On my knees Lord I will fall, I give you this hurt and this pain. I surrender this, it's no longer mine to carry for I know the plans you have for me are more than I could've ever dreamed of. Forgive me for holding onto this Lord, I trust you. I now know why you gave me the word "BRAVE" this year. 

You are...to Him

The devil is a liar, lets get that straight. 
He will torment you.
He will dig into your mind.
He will tell you you're not good enough.
He will tell you you're a failure.
He will call you the names of the mistakes in your past.
He will tell you you're not worth it.
He will tell you you're not loved.

But..

Our Lord, our Savior and Redeemer speaks truth!

He will love you.

He will guard your mind.

He will love you.

He says you're enough because you belong to Him.

He will love you.

He will guide you, you will not fail when you include Him.

He will love you.

He calls you His, you belong to him a beloved son or daughter.

He will love you.

He says you're worth it, the blood stained cross says so.

He will love you.

YOU ARE LOVED

Satan has been at his best lately because he knows the Lord has something good in store. Well screw him. I will continue to say the above over and over to combat the lies he thinks he's breaking me with. I know who loves me, I know who fights for me and I will fight with everything in me because I know who I belong to.