Thy will be done

This has got to be one of the most difficult posts I've ever done and I'm not sure why He's leading me to write it today. As much as I'd like to keep this pushed down somewhere deep inside, I feel His love and I hear His whisper that I need to write about what hurts. It's the one thing that isn't allowing me to have total peace and creeps into my mind at night in the dark when the silence is overridden by my thoughts and tears soak my pillow. 

In the past 4 months since I've return from Kenya my family has been under attack, health concerns for most everyone, job losses and gains and relationship losses and gains. Satan has certainly had a field day. 

Here's the shadow. I've always dreamed of having a large family, being married to God fearing man and we wouldn have 5 children. Yes, 5. My daydreams created a hopeful heart of living in a craftsman style home with a large front porch with a swing where my family would grow and live happily ever after. But that's not my story, yet. I'm not married, I don't live in a craftsman style home and I don't have any children. I prayed for a husband and I've prayed for children for a very long time because all I've ever wanted was to be loved and to love, to take care of someone and for littles to call me mom. I've wanted to be able to carry my own children and know the miracle of birth. Have a little that looks like me, a little who I can look into their eyes and see myself when I was little. 

These lyrics below from Hillary Scott's "Thy will be done" are exactly what I feel. 

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I'll follow through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt
And these four words

Thy will be done"

In a week I'll be having surgery making it impossible for me to have children of my own. I feel so broken. While I'm at peace with most everything that has happened, this I can't seem to find peace with. This is what keeps me up at night, breaks my heart and where my tears flow. I thought that I was doing all that He has called me to do and the one thing that I've wanted most in my life will not happen the way I had dreamed it would. He has other plans.

"I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not"

I know He's faithful and I know He loves me but this is the one thing I'm torn with is being hurt and not understanding. So I will take this to the cross. I need a break, I need a mental vacation and I need to spend time with those who I love. I have to take some time away from it all and surrender all of this to Him.

"So thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me"

Prayer: 
On my knees Lord I will fall, I give you this hurt and this pain. I surrender this, it's no longer mine to carry for I know the plans you have for me are more than I could've ever dreamed of. Forgive me for holding onto this Lord, I trust you. I now know why you gave me the word "BRAVE" this year.