And still I wonder

I'm not sure where to begin. I don't think I quite have the ability to explain it. These last few months have been a mystery to me. The fog is slowly starting to dissipate, and yet...I wonder.

Sometimes I wish I could go back 20 years and tell myself all the things that I'd have to endure, hard life lessons, painful ones that would absolutely break my heart, physical pains and mental anguish that I would torcher myself with but then I think...no. If I had any part of changing my story, I wouldn't. I'm not the author, I'm just the editor and knowing these things I would not have allowed God to work in my life as He has had I tried to prevent His plans.

What I wonder about is what's happened in the last couple of months. I have never in my walk with Jesus, been so in love with Him as I am now.I can't explain it, I wish I could do it justice but my words can ever be enough. It's that knee buckling, heart bursting overwhelming feeling of love, peace and thankfulness. I think about all that He has done for me, from choosing me before time to the cross to everything He has done in my life and it absolutely wrecks every part me. I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!

I'm in aw that this little ol' sinner has been pursued with such fierce love and attention and for that I was already in love with Him, but in the last couple of months He had to bring me to my knees to increase it, to increase my dependence on him and no one else to make me realize that He is my only source. He will provide and fulfil His promises. And when I started trusting Him in the dark, His light lifted me from the pit. 

I know some may think I'm a weird Jesus freak, but I don't care. When you've been pursued and sought after fiercely by the One who saved you, gave everything for you and loves you more than you can ever fathom, you'll come to understand why it's such a wonder. 

Lord, thank You for everything. Thank You for the trials that bring me closer to You, thank You for the opportunity to grow as Your daughter and thank You for loving me where I am and stretching me to be the disciple you want me to be. Lord, I ask that you help me to be more like you, help me to be less of me so that others see more of You.