Sceptics and seeds

I know there are sceptics and those who doubt that the Lord speaks, they doubt that there are conversations between Him and those who He has chosen and called to be His children. However I feel there are more people in my circle who are believers there are those who will confidently agree that He speaks and listens. A good Father who not only wants to hear His children but speak as well. Over the last few years I've had several conversations with the Lord. Whether it's asking for guidance, praying for healing or speaking to Him about a certain situation but I can say that it's mostly been me listening. I want so desperately want to hear what He has to say and I want Him to guide me in what He wants me to do. When we spend time in the quietness and open our hearts and minds and when we listen with intent, He has so much to say and so much that He wants to pour into His children but we have to be willing recipients. 

I told you that I'd take you on the journey of becoming a Foster Parent and so here we are. It's the 3rd of June 2018 and I'm 99.8% done with all the paperwork and classes I have to take in order to become licensed by the state of SC. The magnitude of this hit me yesterday. I've been busy in completing the paperwork, making my home safe and child ready and getting ready for a mission trip next month that I haven't had a moment to slow down and think. When I heard the call from the Lord to become a Foster Mom, I just knew that I was fulfilling a call that He planted deep within me 32 years ago. I don't think I'm doing anything extraordinary I'm doing what I was called to do...I am on another mission trip, but at home.

I want to share the love that He has given me with kids who need it. I want to stand in the gap for these children and because they are precious to Him, they are precious to me. I want to be the hands and feet and let them know that they are loved and are deserving. I know that this calling will have it's challenges, there will be moments, days or entire seasons that will test me. There will be spiritual opposition and I will have to guard my heart. But I have confidence that my Heavenly Father will tell me what to do when I keep my heart and mind tuned into His grace and love. I will rely on Him to give me discernment when needed. But I will also rely on those whom He has placed in my life, those who will walk by me and hold me up when I can't do it alone.

I know He is faithful. I know He will sustain. I know He will guard my heart if I allow Him because He knows my heart, He's the one that planted the seed. He was the one that chose me to love the precious littles that will call me Mom, even if it is for a season. In all of this, I will choose joy because He has spoken.

Joshua 1:9

Holy Plans!

I can remember sitting in the hard wooden pew at church on Sunday's when I was 15 years old listening to our priest deliver the Gospel and sermons and having the thought of, this is what I'm supposed to do...but what exactly was "this"?

I grew up in the Episcopal and church there was comfort in knowing what to expect on a weekly basis, the ritualistic movements of the service from the procession of the choir, the acolytes and the priest to the liturgical flow of the service which doesn't change greatly from week to week. It gave worship a rhythm of familiarity to those who attended on a regular basis.I sang in the choir, not very well but did it with heart and I served as an acolyte but I before I took a step to do what I feel now was my calling, I walked away from the church. I left. Adios. What do I need church for? I was grown, so I thought, and made the decision that I didn't need this "place" anymore. I had removed myself from what I grew up knowing and I was gone for a long, long time. 

About 10 years ago I moved to South Carolina and finally found my little spot of dirt on this earth to call home and I've found my church. A place that my soul calls home, a place where I can move on what I've been called to do. During the years between leaving the church and finding my way back I struggled deeply and painfully and made bad decisions and had relationships with bad people. But in the midst of where I was I can now see where God was in it through the entirety. He never left His daughters side no matter how far I strayed or how many ridiculous decisions were made, He was there pulling me out of the dire straights, dusting me off and giving me another chance. Many chances given in grace.

Jeremiah 1:5 says "Before you say the light of day, I had holy plans for you." WOAH! He's saying He's already got it figured out He's just waiting for you to listen, act and be obedient to your calling. When I sat in the church all those years ago in the uncomfortable wooden pews it was laid on my heart, He gave me my holy plan. I want to be brave enough to travel the unknown path and learn what I'm capable of because of Him. The obstacles that I created myself in my past did NOT prevent me from my calling but have prepared me for it. I want to run towards my purpose without hindered feelings. I want to be in ministry.

Lord I don't know what being in ministry looks like but what I do know is that I surrender. Help me to remove me from me. Help me to find that little voice inside that says " there, that's it. That's why you're here." Help me move out of my comfort zone, make me uncomfortable for You. Help me to see the needs through Your eyes Lord and use me to minister those who You've put in my path. 

Ephesians 4:1

Help me see what You see

We've got a little over 4 months and we leave for Kenya again. It's almost been a year since the last trip and that in itself is so hard to believe, sometimes it seems like yesterday but then when I'm  thinking about it and getting excited and yearning to return it feels like another life time. There's a journey for each of us when we say "yes" to what He's called us to do. It starts with the praying on whether or not He wants you to go on the trip and when you hear His answer, that's when the wheels start turning. 

When I prayed about going on this trip the answer was an immediate "yes", I honestly can't recall ever having an answer so quickly on anything I've ever prayed about. Over the next couple of months after registering for the trip I would occasionally ask Him again during my quite time if I should go on this trip but I know why I kept asking for assurance, it was my lack of faith that I was worthy to go back. I remember one Monday morning this past December when I asked again and what I heard was this, "Stop asking me, I've already said you should go, now go I've got something to show you." It was said sternly and decisively in a way any good father would address his child when they keep asking for something over and over again. So after hearing that I came to the resolution and submitted to the fact that I'm supposed to be on this tri and the overwhelming weight of uncertainty was lifted and I was at peace about going.

Wait! What did He mean when He said He has something to show me? I've been blown away by Him telling me this and in anticipation I've been attempting to wrap my mind around what would my loving Father would have to show me but in doing so I'm not allowing the room He needs to work. So I've stopped trying to figure it out and over these last couple of months my prayer has been for me to have eyes to see what He needs me to see, I want to give it all to Him and have Him break my heart for what breaks His. I didn't have that "ahh ha" or "God moment" while we were in country last year, no my "God moment" happened after we came home, and it rocked me to my core. So my advise for anyone who has said yes to following God on a journey such as this, you need to go with no expectations. Go with and open mind and an open heart and ask Him to show you the something special He has in store for you and be prepared that you may not know or see it until you return home.

I know I've only been there once, but there's no denying that I'm sold out. I am so in love with the Kenyan people and the country that it feels like home and the reality of our time till wheels up has become more tangible in the last couple of days. I'm beyond excited and incredibly thankful that He has given me the opportunity to serve the people of Kenya and to serve the people, my family, on this team this coming July.

I have no doubt that He's going to show up and show out on this trip, He's done it before and will do it infinitely more times again. I can't wait to go home.

The Journey to becoming

I'm going to document the journey I'm on so that I can share with others who care to follow but also to keep record for myself of the process because I want to remember each of the steps it took to go where God has called me be. Some of these ramblings may be short, some may not, some may be read and some may not. It's going to be my thoughts, my fears, my joys, my heartbreaks, my struggles and my victories. Everything during my journey of becoming someone's mom.

3.3.2018 - Today was my first all day class in getting licensed to become a foster mom, I was a little apprehensive because I don't do well for in structured settings for long periods of time, I lose attention, get antsy and get bored quickly. In today's class there were 33 other people going through the same process, most were married couples and there were 4 single women. The instructor had a good sense of humor and taught well which made the time a little easier to deal with. While we touched on many subjects today the focus was on the different types of traumas the children may face and best practices approach on how to handle. We also talked about the fact that we need to have a community, a tribe or a village...whatever you want to call the group(s) of people you need to have to support you in this process. People who will walk with you, be there for you in times of need and love you when you're finding it hard to love yourself. 

While we were discussing placements, someone had spoken up and told her story how when she was fostering previously, she had a very supportive group around her during her first placement and then that child was returned home, a couple months went by and she had her second placement and the same people who were there at the time of need during her first had abandoned her during her second and my heart sank. I got nervous at the thought that what if that happened to me? I know He has prepared me for this journey and I know He'll never leave me.  

 

This is only the beginning of the classes with a few more to go, a couple more documents to be filled out and in-depth home visit has to be completed then once that's all done all that's left to do is wait on the state to approve the license. 

Praying for baby M, whomever he or she may be for safety and health. Your mommy loves you.

Vunerability, it happens

I'm going to be completely vulnerable because I need to write about this. Writing because I need to lay it down, pour it out and let it go. When my mom told me on January 30th that she and my dad would be moving back to FL in the next couple of weeks I was devastated, confused, angry and heart broken. I didn't understand how it came up so quickly, less than a month prior they had an offer on a home not to far from where I live but they had backed out of the contract due to inspection issues with the house...so I thought the search continued and it did, just not here. 

I'm starting in the season of my life where the foster classes are starting to pick up and the final paperwork is being sent in so I can become a licensed foster mom. I'm also praying ceaselessly that if it's the Lord will, that He allows an adoption through a foster. So my day dreams of my child running around grandma's and grandpa's back yard playing in the red dirt under the pecan trees while I sit on the porch with my mom and dad sippting our iced tea and our continuing the tradition of Sunday family dinners came to a halt.

I was at my parents two weekends ago just a couple of days after they had told me they were leaving and we faced time with my brother, sister in law and my niece. I sat back and watched my dads face light up grinning ear to ear and listened to him cooing at the little squishy faced angel, my mom was doing the same and it made me realize that they have the opportunity to see her more often, watch her grow up and be part of her life in ways now that they can't be while they're here.I found myself hating how I was responding to the new reality, I was being selfish there's no question about it, I wanted them here. 

Their plan was to leave this past Sunday and I had prepared my heart for their departure. I went to visit them on Saturday to say my "see ya laters", get my hugs and kisses and pray for safe travels. I drove away that night knowing I'd see them in a couple of months because we were planning my nieces birthday trip for the family. Little did I know that the following day after church while I was standing in Aldi buying lemons I would get a call from my dad asking me to drive my mom to Florida...that day. My mom, my rock, my confidant was in need and I needed to help. So I quicky made arrangements for my four legged babies to be watched and off I went. Honestly, my first reaction was anger. I was angry because I knew that I was going to have to say goodbye all over again and it was going to be as hard if not harder because I had no time to prepare and the last thing I wanted to do was drive them away from me. But GOD! 

What a blessing it turned out to be. My drive down to FL with my mom as my co-pilot was amazing. We listened to a few of the tunes that she raised me on, Carol King, Simon and Garfunkel, Randy Travis, Led Zeppelin and my favorite, James Taylor. It brought back good memories, memories of which I wouldn't trade for the world. We talked about Kenya and fundraising, we talked about work and life possibilities. We enjoyed each others company and I got one more day with my parents and I'm incredibly thankful for Him creating that opportunity.

God knows I need my family and while they're just a days drive away I know that they're all in one spot and I can visit whenever possible. My response of being devastated, confused, angry and heartbroken was repaired by seeing the faces of my parents when they saw their grandchild and hearing the hope in their voices when they talk about their future in FL, I would never want to take any of that away from them, I want them to be happy!

I know I'm not alone here because God has prepared a community for me well before any of this happened, He was not surprised by these circumstances. It's been an emotional rollercoaster these last couple of weeks, but I'll lean on this, one of my "go to" versus. Exodus 14:14

Through perseverence

We've all been tested through trials and tribulations. You don't wake up in the morning having thought today I'll start in the valley, I haven't had a good, rough run at it lately...do you? I doubt it. Having to go through them  and to overcome and triumph that's what makes our lives interesting. It's how we handle the darkness of being hidden in the valley that allows the true light to shine. If you're a believer and have faith that God has a purpose in everything, then you'll understand there's a purpose for the valley, although I can almost guarantee that when you're there, you can't see it. What then do we do when we push though and persevere through each tribulation, trial or heartbreak? We fall, we fall to our knees and thank the One who provided the light among our feet, the One who turn our valleys into mountain tops. Lets go for a walk...

A couple of days ago I was broadsided by some information that had brought me to my knees, my walk on the top of the mountain came to a halt when there was a forced detour came along and dropped me into a canyon. I know that sounds quite dramatic, but when it happened it felt just like that. I had lost my footing, the safety net was gone and all I could see was the ground racing towards me and remember how it hurt and felt the last time. It caused me to retreat, pull into myself and the devil has his way with my thoughts for about 24 hours. But I can tell you that our GOD is mighty to save, He is my rescuer and provider. I believe when the prayers of His warriors are laid down at His feet, He moves. He moves in ways we can't comprehend. He shows compassion and comfort and works miracles for those whom He loves, His children. The ground while it raced towards me, my fall was softened by the catch of my Saviors loving hand. Someone wise told me that "God wasn't surprised by this development." and she was right. Our trials and tribulations while its difficult to see the other side when you're in midst doesn't mean that He doesn't have a plan to show you out.

In a matter of the last couple of days, I've seen Him work in ways only He can and while there is still pain from the fall, I know deep in my heart that what will come of this is good and if His ways are followed and the if the path that we walk is lit with His lamp we will come to the mountain top again. I must persevere. 

Layers

So now I'm wondering how many layers of paint have been applied to the walls of my home. From what I know, my house was built before I was born so yes, that leaves quite a few years and a few tenants to apply each of their own touches to interior to make it their own. If we were to peel back the layers of each, could they tell a story or share memories of years past? Peel each layer like an onion and you'd find happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy and love. When a new layer is applied it erases the colors of the past but it doesn't remove them, it's part of the homes story. Much like our life's stories.

One of my favorite movies is Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lane. She is going through some hardship in her life at home, a divorce, and while on a tour in Tuscany, she decides to purchase a farm in Italy with the hopes of transforming her life. She renovates this old house, top to bottom, making it her own. During one of the monologues she says something along the line that she's building a relationship room by room. Slowly cleaning the antiques left behind and repairing the many things in disrepair left by neglect and aging. It's a metaphor for how she's learning who she is again, slowly removing the old things of her past and repairing her heart hurt. I think that we spend a lot of time trying to cover our past, hide our insecurities all the while we have a God who has made a way for us to not be ashamed of what we may have done OR what may have been done to us. It's our layers.

For the last couple of years towards the end of each year I pray for God to give me a word to lean on, one word that during times of struggles or times of celebrations the word would draw me nearer to Him. Two years ago my word was TRUST, I trust everyone from the beginning, it's theirs to lose if they choose. I was challenged to trust God more in making the decisions, trust Him more with being my one and only. Last year my word was HOPE. I needed to have hope, hope that my dreams would come true. Hope that I'm becoming the person God wants me to be and hope for my future. While praying for this year, He gave me my word early, I knew my word for 2018 at the beginning of December and  it's...BRAVE. I know deep down have to be brave this year. I must be brave in following through with my bold faith move He's given me the privilege of. 

I'm not sure if it was coincidental that in church today the message included that you have to find your word but I know I have mine. Each of these words in the past years have built layers for me in my life. Learning to trust when others have broken it, being hopeful when it didn't seem that things would work out and now to be brave. Brave when the unknown is around the corner. Be proud of your layers because they're what made you who you are today and search for your word and remember that when all is said and done, the God who created the Heavens, created you and He intimately knows each of your layers, and LOVES you beyond compare.