Thy will be done

This has got to be one of the most difficult posts I've ever done and I'm not sure why He's leading me to write it today. As much as I'd like to keep this pushed down somewhere deep inside, I feel His love and I hear His whisper that I need to write about what hurts. It's the one thing that isn't allowing me to have total peace and creeps into my mind at night in the dark when the silence is overridden by my thoughts and tears soak my pillow. 

In the past 4 months since I've return from Kenya my family has been under attack, health concerns for most everyone, job losses and gains and relationship losses and gains. Satan has certainly had a field day. 

Here's the shadow. I've always dreamed of having a large family, being married to God fearing man and we wouldn have 5 children. Yes, 5. My daydreams created a hopeful heart of living in a craftsman style home with a large front porch with a swing where my family would grow and live happily ever after. But that's not my story, yet. I'm not married, I don't live in a craftsman style home and I don't have any children. I prayed for a husband and I've prayed for children for a very long time because all I've ever wanted was to be loved and to love, to take care of someone and for littles to call me mom. I've wanted to be able to carry my own children and know the miracle of birth. Have a little that looks like me, a little who I can look into their eyes and see myself when I was little. 

These lyrics below from Hillary Scott's "Thy will be done" are exactly what I feel. 

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I'll follow through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt
And these four words

Thy will be done"

In a week I'll be having surgery making it impossible for me to have children of my own. I feel so broken. While I'm at peace with most everything that has happened, this I can't seem to find peace with. This is what keeps me up at night, breaks my heart and where my tears flow. I thought that I was doing all that He has called me to do and the one thing that I've wanted most in my life will not happen the way I had dreamed it would. He has other plans.

"I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not"

I know He's faithful and I know He loves me but this is the one thing I'm torn with is being hurt and not understanding. So I will take this to the cross. I need a break, I need a mental vacation and I need to spend time with those who I love. I have to take some time away from it all and surrender all of this to Him.

"So thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me"

Prayer: 
On my knees Lord I will fall, I give you this hurt and this pain. I surrender this, it's no longer mine to carry for I know the plans you have for me are more than I could've ever dreamed of. Forgive me for holding onto this Lord, I trust you. I now know why you gave me the word "BRAVE" this year. 

You are...to Him

The devil is a liar, lets get that straight. 
He will torment you.
He will dig into your mind.
He will tell you you're not good enough.
He will tell you you're a failure.
He will call you the names of the mistakes in your past.
He will tell you you're not worth it.
He will tell you you're not loved.

But..

Our Lord, our Savior and Redeemer speaks truth!

He will love you.

He will guard your mind.

He will love you.

He says you're enough because you belong to Him.

He will love you.

He will guide you, you will not fail when you include Him.

He will love you.

He calls you His, you belong to him a beloved son or daughter.

He will love you.

He says you're worth it, the blood stained cross says so.

He will love you.

YOU ARE LOVED

Satan has been at his best lately because he knows the Lord has something good in store. Well screw him. I will continue to say the above over and over to combat the lies he thinks he's breaking me with. I know who loves me, I know who fights for me and I will fight with everything in me because I know who I belong to.

Sit down, this isn't your battle

It's been a long time since I've written and honestly the only reason I am tonight is because I need an outlet, and this is it. I know most people are struggling with something, whether it's relationships, family, health, job or just plan life but here's the one thing I know for sure, the one thing I am most confident in is the faith that I have in my Heavnly Father.

There are certain things going on now that I don't have any control over, and frankly I don't want control. The battle isn't mine but His and I'm good with that. It took me sometime but I'm at peace with it because He knows the outcome, He's written the story and He's the One I trust. But when things are said over me like "I'm worried about you" or "you don't look so good" over and over again I know it's the enemy trying to create doubt in my faith but his little schemes won't work, I will continue to hold onto hope because I know where my help comes from.

If you're struggling with something now, give God your weakness and He'll give you His strength. Stand tall in the midst of doubt and fear and let the Lord fight for you. Faith in GOD changes everything, I know this to be true.

Isaiah 43:13

Exodus 14:14

Hosea 6:3

****2 Chronicles 20:15****

The voice

I keep hearing this voice in my head, over and over again it says "why you?" "what good are you?" "why do you think He'd use you?...silly girl, don't you know you know you'll never amount to anything?" and "What impact or impression can you leave?". You're not good enough. It creates this moment of doubt, am I really someone who matters and can I really make a difference?

I fought this battle in my head while I was in Kenya last week. Each morning on the bus to the village I fought the enemy and sometimes the question of "why" would linger but...God. It's not about me, it's about Him and what He instills in us. It's about the realization that the only opinion that matters is His and the questions of self doubt that are said by the enemy are just dead words but it doesn't make the battle any less of a struggle.

This is something that I've dealt with my entire life, feeling adequate enough. Feeling that I have something to offer and something that will make a difference in someone's life. But God has given me the confidence and courage to step out of my comforts and challenge me in areas in which I would've never ventured before in the last couple of years. When I start to feel weak or unworthy I remember the One who died for me, the One who choose me and the One who loves me despite all my flaws. 

Lord I pray each time I hear the voice with words of doubt that I remember the seeds you've planted for me. I also pray Lord that I continue to have the confidence to make a difference, allow me to bring words of comfort to those who need it, bring love to those who lack it and strength to lift those up who have fallen. I pray that others see You in me, that they see my God-confidence and that You're glorified in it all.

Ohhh how He speaks to me in the garden...this wasn't the first time nor will it be the last.

I had one big task that I wanted to tackle with this time off and that was to weed the flower garden, it used to be something that I despised doing, why can't weeds just stay away once you pull them the first time? Hateful little things. It seems though through nature is where God wants to get my attention the most with beautiful sunrises in my favorite colors of pink and purple, vibrantly colored birds that will capture my eye, dragonflies that make me smile, the mountains and the lake, I could go on and on. But lately it's been through the weeds. Over the last week or so I've been noticing the large amounts of dandelions that have conquered several yards in the neighborhood, they're invasive and they travel yard to yard...it's a weed but I think they're pretty. The description from Purdue horticulture website is that "its a widely distributed weed that a detailed description is unnecessary..."  But here's the thing, I think it does deserve a description, the nicest version of a description I could find is: it belongs to the daisy family with a rosette of leaves and bright yellow flowers. There are weeds though that aren't pretty, in fact they can thorny or sticky and down right icky. These are the ones that need to be pulled, cut back and disposed of much like a lot of things that we hold on to, things we've done and said and things that others have done and said. Those are the weeds of our life.

 When I was down in dirt over these last two days pulling those not so nice weeds God spoke to me. He said "no matter what it is that you're doing I'm with you always, I'm not going anywhere." I've been out of sorts these last couple of weeks and it's taken it's toll on me, that's why I wanted to spend more time with Him this weekend, no distractions. If I had it my way, I would have loved to have just curled up at His feet like Mary did and put aside the Martha in me. But sadly the weeds don't get pulled on their own. I've said before that God is our gardener, He's pulled those weeds (our sin) which allows us to flourish as we should. But when those weeds pop back up and remind you of your past thru the works and whispers of Satan, then it's time to throw down the gauntlet and remind him of who you belong to and use the Word to defeat him because we can't do it alone, only with His help.

Part of my heart was left in India

I wrote this 3 years ago today and wanted to share it here.

They say India changes you. It's true.

Yesterday was CSR day in our India offices. CSR stands for Corporate Social Responsibility and the object of yesterdays service was a Catholic organization, the Home for the Disabled. To gain some perspective, India is approximately 2 or 3% Christian. This is 24M out of 1.2B. They are the smallest religious group and considered the smallest minority.

Being Christian is a difficult task in India, you give up your caste, which means you give up your family, identity, and much of the protections afforded by Hindu law. Priests and nuns in India are promised to God while in the womb. They are born into the service. It's a lonely road.

Another thing you need to know is that India doesn't have a program like Social Security that cares for the disabled. Families are also unofficially restricted to two children (for example, health insurance only covers two children per family), so when an child is born with a disability, they are often abandoned or killed. They are literally at the mercy of charity.

The Home for the Disabled is home to children and adults with various disabilities, from Down syndrome, to blindness, to mental retardation, to extreme physical disabilities, they take them all. Four nuns run the organization and they are heavily dependent on donations. There is one resident, Media, has extreme disabilities and has lived there since 1961. Her parents sent her away when she was a baby. When she was an adult she returned and they made her leave again so she came back to the Home and now cares for the younger children.

Our office brought two large bags of rice and several boxes of biscuits (cookies)  and we were honored to be a part of it.It was amazing to see the power of the love of God and Jesus. I know religion can be divisive, but I promise you, God is working in these people's lives. There were so many to love on. They were extremely friendly and introduced themselves heartily. I saw a blind man deliver food to the other boys and men, using his other senses to travel between buildings back and forth to feed those that couldn't leave their beds.

We have so much, they have so little, yet we are all still Sisters (and Brothers) in Christ. This may have been the best part of my trip. Words just don't seem to be enough. From now on, when I hear the phrase first world problems, I can honestly know that I have seen true third world problems. No matter your struggles, please count your blessings and hug your loved ones and be thankful you live in grandeur.

Sceptics and seeds

I know there are sceptics and those who doubt that the Lord speaks, they doubt that there are conversations between Him and those who He has chosen and called to be His children. However I feel there are more people in my circle who are believers there are those who will confidently agree that He speaks and listens. A good Father who not only wants to hear His children but speak as well. Over the last few years I've had several conversations with the Lord. Whether it's asking for guidance, praying for healing or speaking to Him about a certain situation but I can say that it's mostly been me listening. I want so desperately want to hear what He has to say and I want Him to guide me in what He wants me to do. When we spend time in the quietness and open our hearts and minds and when we listen with intent, He has so much to say and so much that He wants to pour into His children but we have to be willing recipients. 

I told you that I'd take you on the journey of becoming a Foster Parent and so here we are. It's the 3rd of June 2018 and I'm 99.8% done with all the paperwork and classes I have to take in order to become licensed by the state of SC. The magnitude of this hit me yesterday. I've been busy in completing the paperwork, making my home safe and child ready and getting ready for a mission trip next month that I haven't had a moment to slow down and think. When I heard the call from the Lord to become a Foster Mom, I just knew that I was fulfilling a call that He planted deep within me 32 years ago. I don't think I'm doing anything extraordinary I'm doing what I was called to do...I am on another mission trip, but at home.

I want to share the love that He has given me with kids who need it. I want to stand in the gap for these children and because they are precious to Him, they are precious to me. I want to be the hands and feet and let them know that they are loved and are deserving. I know that this calling will have it's challenges, there will be moments, days or entire seasons that will test me. There will be spiritual opposition and I will have to guard my heart. But I have confidence that my Heavenly Father will tell me what to do when I keep my heart and mind tuned into His grace and love. I will rely on Him to give me discernment when needed. But I will also rely on those whom He has placed in my life, those who will walk by me and hold me up when I can't do it alone.

I know He is faithful. I know He will sustain. I know He will guard my heart if I allow Him because He knows my heart, He's the one that planted the seed. He was the one that chose me to love the precious littles that will call me Mom, even if it is for a season. In all of this, I will choose joy because He has spoken.

Joshua 1:9