Weeds

As believers we all will encounter seasons. Seasons of fruitfulness and seasons of empty baskets But it's what we do with the empty baskets that matters. It's how we position our hearts both prayerfully and with intentionality that we will see the works of our Father.

I was digging in the dirt this morning, pulling weeds from the front garden when the Lord spoke to me. He said "there are weeds that are easy to pull and discard but there are those that have deep roots, these are invasive ones, taking hold and are most of the time harder to pull out". Weeds are seasonal. Weeds come and become a nuisance when it's hot, humid and down right miserable. 

This started a conversation, I love when He talks to me in the garden. These are the analogies he gave me.

Summer:
Weeds thrive, they pop up wherever, whenever they please. When we're in a season of struggle, it makes us have feelings like we're under pressure, unhappy, insecure, under fire, that we're failures, that we're disconnected and the list goes on and on. There are so many deep rooted Satan driven lies in this season that we struggle in being able to hear from God because our mind is drowned out by the weeds planted by enemy. In an attempt to resolve things on our own, we let the scorching of the heat of the lies planted within burn us and that's the enemy's attempt to choke the SON out.

Winter:
Weeds don't grow in the winter. It's a season of hibernation and rest. It's crisp and the air is light. It's seems to be a bit quieter too. When the snow is falling, covering the outside world in white, it seems to be erasing what had been seen as normal for a season but instead it's giving us a clean slate. It's true, winter isn't without it's work either. We have to clear the paths covered in snow to walk on and windows to see but it's only the work necessary so we can move on and see clearly. 

For me, I believe that seasonality is a privilege given to Christ followers. I fully believe it's how we become mature Christians. If we are intentional about how we react when we're in the weeds and how we use the tools and experiences He's allowing us to go through during that season, then we are growing in faith. We are allowing the Gardner to prune us. We are relying on His grace and love. It's us being open and bringing all that we have to the feet of the Lord and allowing Him to work in us as only He can restoring the fruit to our empty basket.

Read: Romans 5:3-5

One day

To My Love:

It seemed that my faith was getting tired and my hope was slowly fading into an abyss of lost dreams. But then you came into my life, God gave me you. You are an answer to the prayers of generations who've come before me. The generations who knew that He would fulfill His promise to His daughter. To make her a bride to the one that loves her as he should, the one who treasures me as He wants His daughters to be.The emptiness in my heart left the day I met you. 

I had thought that one day I would find my paring soul and that it would be a feeling beyond my imagination. I can't help but adore you, my whole heart melts for you. Your beautiful soul brings me joy, laughter, calmness and inspiration. For once I can actually say, I'm in love. I can see a future with you, I can share my life with you. 

One of my favorite songs is "We Dance" by Bethel Music and these lyrics say what I know to be true in my heart:

You steady me
Slow and sweet, we sway
Take the lead and I will follow
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That You won't lead me where You don't go

He took the lead, and in His time...all He wanted me to do was close my eyes and believe and He lead you here, here to me.

I love you, Always and Forever!
Nik

He always has, always will be

We all question it, even if you're a believer you've thought it. But in all honesty have you ever looked back at your life and wondered where God has been the entire time? If I were to take a good look at the highlight reel of my own, looking back at all the ups and downs, the good, bad and the ugly I'd realize that He was there all along. Although He may seem to be silent at times, I believe He never leaves His children. He is constantly present, waiting on us to reach out to Him. When we feel He's left us to our own accord or He has seemingly fallen quite and out of reach we get upset, defensive even and this gives the enemy foothold. But He loves us too much to leave us that way, He's given us Himself. The Bible says He will never leave us nor forsake us. I believe that.

I can't remember any part of my childhood until about age 7. But looking back. He was there. He was there when I sat on the front porch waiting for my biological dad to pick me up for our weekend visits and when he didn't show, He was there giving my mom the right words to say to calm the pain. He was there when I was molested by the same man who'd leave me waiting for hours on that front porch wondering if he loved me. He was there, weeping that His daughter was hurt. He was there when we moved every year during our youth and had to make new friends at new schools.  He was there when soccer games were won and tournaments played and He celebrated. He was there when we lost our first dog, He allowed the pain but provided comfort. He was there during the excitement of graduation and the nervousness of the first day of college. He was there with all the firsts, the new car, the first date, the first kiss, the first real job, the purchase of my first new home. He was there through good decisions cheering me on and through bad decisions, giving me ways out. He was there in happiness and sadness. He was there through the losses, the loss of a job, the loss of someone I loved, the loss of friends, the loss of money, stability and confidence. He was there, He was there, He was always there.. 

Embedding Himself within His children, He wants nothing more than to have a relationship with us that allows Him to be Who He is meant to be, the ruler of our hearts. I wholeheartedly believe He wants to make all our hopes and dreams come true, He has a plan. It's in His timing I have to trust. Although I can look back at my life and see where He's been, I can't see what's ahead. I'm not supposed to, that's faith. My heart aches for these two things more than anything. I have to believe that as part of His divine plan, He has a man for me that will love me just as I am, faults and all. I pray that I will one day there will be children, that there will be littles that He will bless to my husband and I and entrust us to raise God fearing disciples.

Lord I see you, I feel your presence. I know now that when I look back at my life that you've always been, will always be and will never leave. You are here. And for that, I'm incredibly thankful.

Love,

Your daughter 

Mountians We Climb

The mountains we climb are of dreams and life. The mountains we climb...are mountains of the heart, mind and soul. You can either attempt to climb these on your own, away from the comfort and support of those you know, or...

You can choose to go with others, a community. A community of people on the same mission, who have the same values, beliefs and who have similar dreams. A community who values the challenge of the mountain ahead and won't back down despite ragged edges and deep unknown crevices. 

These mountains are what build us to be who we're meant to be. Give us the strength to climb higher despite the detours and loss. These mountains are what shows us who's meant to be part of our community and who's not by weeding out those who aren't meant to go on the journey. We all face mountains,  no one person's mountain is higher than anyone else's. During our journey home, we will cross several ranges that must be concurred. None of us are protected from them. When you feel that mountain looming ahead, and you feel so small and so tired, tied of being strong for so long, keep going.

There, on the side of the giant, perfectly rugged, hand crafted by God masterpiece mountain, you will find the strength to continue. 

There's no going back you see. You must go forward. And when you lay your head down at night and you see your reflection in your tear stained pillow, remember that One who created the Heavens, the One who created you from dust, breaths life into you. 

So, take a deep long inhale and fill your lungs with life and grab the hands of those willing to lace up their boots with you. You all have places to go. Together. Tackle that mountain. 

And still I wonder

I'm not sure where to begin. I don't think I quite have the ability to explain it. These last few months have been a mystery to me. The fog is slowly starting to dissipate, and yet...I wonder.

Sometimes I wish I could go back 20 years and tell myself all the things that I'd have to endure, hard life lessons, painful ones that would absolutely break my heart, physical pains and mental anguish that I would torcher myself with but then I think...no. If I had any part of changing my story, I wouldn't. I'm not the author, I'm just the editor and knowing these things I would not have allowed God to work in my life as He has had I tried to prevent His plans.

What I wonder about is what's happened in the last couple of months. I have never in my walk with Jesus, been so in love with Him as I am now.I can't explain it, I wish I could do it justice but my words can ever be enough. It's that knee buckling, heart bursting overwhelming feeling of love, peace and thankfulness. I think about all that He has done for me, from choosing me before time to the cross to everything He has done in my life and it absolutely wrecks every part me. I LOVE JESUS!!!!!!!

I'm in aw that this little ol' sinner has been pursued with such fierce love and attention and for that I was already in love with Him, but in the last couple of months He had to bring me to my knees to increase it, to increase my dependence on him and no one else to make me realize that He is my only source. He will provide and fulfil His promises. And when I started trusting Him in the dark, His light lifted me from the pit. 

I know some may think I'm a weird Jesus freak, but I don't care. When you've been pursued and sought after fiercely by the One who saved you, gave everything for you and loves you more than you can ever fathom, you'll come to understand why it's such a wonder. 

Lord, thank You for everything. Thank You for the trials that bring me closer to You, thank You for the opportunity to grow as Your daughter and thank You for loving me where I am and stretching me to be the disciple you want me to be. Lord, I ask that you help me to be more like you, help me to be less of me so that others see more of You.

Thy will be done

This has got to be one of the most difficult posts I've ever done and I'm not sure why He's leading me to write it today. As much as I'd like to keep this pushed down somewhere deep inside, I feel His love and I hear His whisper that I need to write about what hurts. It's the one thing that isn't allowing me to have total peace and creeps into my mind at night in the dark when the silence is overridden by my thoughts and tears soak my pillow. 

In the past 4 months since I've return from Kenya my family has been under attack, health concerns for most everyone, job losses and gains and relationship losses and gains. Satan has certainly had a field day. 

Here's the shadow. I've always dreamed of having a large family, being married to God fearing man and we wouldn have 5 children. Yes, 5. My daydreams created a hopeful heart of living in a craftsman style home with a large front porch with a swing where my family would grow and live happily ever after. But that's not my story, yet. I'm not married, I don't live in a craftsman style home and I don't have any children. I prayed for a husband and I've prayed for children for a very long time because all I've ever wanted was to be loved and to love, to take care of someone and for littles to call me mom. I've wanted to be able to carry my own children and know the miracle of birth. Have a little that looks like me, a little who I can look into their eyes and see myself when I was little. 

These lyrics below from Hillary Scott's "Thy will be done" are exactly what I feel. 

"I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I'll follow through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt
And these four words

Thy will be done"

In a week I'll be having surgery making it impossible for me to have children of my own. I feel so broken. While I'm at peace with most everything that has happened, this I can't seem to find peace with. This is what keeps me up at night, breaks my heart and where my tears flow. I thought that I was doing all that He has called me to do and the one thing that I've wanted most in my life will not happen the way I had dreamed it would. He has other plans.

"I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about

It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not"

I know He's faithful and I know He loves me but this is the one thing I'm torn with is being hurt and not understanding. So I will take this to the cross. I need a break, I need a mental vacation and I need to spend time with those who I love. I have to take some time away from it all and surrender all of this to Him.

"So thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

Like a child on my knees all that comes to me"

Prayer: 
On my knees Lord I will fall, I give you this hurt and this pain. I surrender this, it's no longer mine to carry for I know the plans you have for me are more than I could've ever dreamed of. Forgive me for holding onto this Lord, I trust you. I now know why you gave me the word "BRAVE" this year. 

You are...to Him

The devil is a liar, lets get that straight. 
He will torment you.
He will dig into your mind.
He will tell you you're not good enough.
He will tell you you're a failure.
He will call you the names of the mistakes in your past.
He will tell you you're not worth it.
He will tell you you're not loved.

But..

Our Lord, our Savior and Redeemer speaks truth!

He will love you.

He will guard your mind.

He will love you.

He says you're enough because you belong to Him.

He will love you.

He will guide you, you will not fail when you include Him.

He will love you.

He calls you His, you belong to him a beloved son or daughter.

He will love you.

He says you're worth it, the blood stained cross says so.

He will love you.

YOU ARE LOVED

Satan has been at his best lately because he knows the Lord has something good in store. Well screw him. I will continue to say the above over and over to combat the lies he thinks he's breaking me with. I know who loves me, I know who fights for me and I will fight with everything in me because I know who I belong to.

Sit down, this isn't your battle

It's been a long time since I've written and honestly the only reason I am tonight is because I need an outlet, and this is it. I know most people are struggling with something, whether it's relationships, family, health, job or just plan life but here's the one thing I know for sure, the one thing I am most confident in is the faith that I have in my Heavnly Father.

There are certain things going on now that I don't have any control over, and frankly I don't want control. The battle isn't mine but His and I'm good with that. It took me sometime but I'm at peace with it because He knows the outcome, He's written the story and He's the One I trust. But when things are said over me like "I'm worried about you" or "you don't look so good" over and over again I know it's the enemy trying to create doubt in my faith but his little schemes won't work, I will continue to hold onto hope because I know where my help comes from.

If you're struggling with something now, give God your weakness and He'll give you His strength. Stand tall in the midst of doubt and fear and let the Lord fight for you. Faith in GOD changes everything, I know this to be true.

Isaiah 43:13

Exodus 14:14

Hosea 6:3

****2 Chronicles 20:15****

The voice

I keep hearing this voice in my head, over and over again it says "why you?" "what good are you?" "why do you think He'd use you?...silly girl, don't you know you know you'll never amount to anything?" and "What impact or impression can you leave?". You're not good enough. It creates this moment of doubt, am I really someone who matters and can I really make a difference?

I fought this battle in my head while I was in Kenya last week. Each morning on the bus to the village I fought the enemy and sometimes the question of "why" would linger but...God. It's not about me, it's about Him and what He instills in us. It's about the realization that the only opinion that matters is His and the questions of self doubt that are said by the enemy are just dead words but it doesn't make the battle any less of a struggle.

This is something that I've dealt with my entire life, feeling adequate enough. Feeling that I have something to offer and something that will make a difference in someone's life. But God has given me the confidence and courage to step out of my comforts and challenge me in areas in which I would've never ventured before in the last couple of years. When I start to feel weak or unworthy I remember the One who died for me, the One who choose me and the One who loves me despite all my flaws. 

Lord I pray each time I hear the voice with words of doubt that I remember the seeds you've planted for me. I also pray Lord that I continue to have the confidence to make a difference, allow me to bring words of comfort to those who need it, bring love to those who lack it and strength to lift those up who have fallen. I pray that others see You in me, that they see my God-confidence and that You're glorified in it all.

Ohhh how He speaks to me in the garden...this wasn't the first time nor will it be the last.

I had one big task that I wanted to tackle with this time off and that was to weed the flower garden, it used to be something that I despised doing, why can't weeds just stay away once you pull them the first time? Hateful little things. It seems though through nature is where God wants to get my attention the most with beautiful sunrises in my favorite colors of pink and purple, vibrantly colored birds that will capture my eye, dragonflies that make me smile, the mountains and the lake, I could go on and on. But lately it's been through the weeds. Over the last week or so I've been noticing the large amounts of dandelions that have conquered several yards in the neighborhood, they're invasive and they travel yard to yard...it's a weed but I think they're pretty. The description from Purdue horticulture website is that "its a widely distributed weed that a detailed description is unnecessary..."  But here's the thing, I think it does deserve a description, the nicest version of a description I could find is: it belongs to the daisy family with a rosette of leaves and bright yellow flowers. There are weeds though that aren't pretty, in fact they can thorny or sticky and down right icky. These are the ones that need to be pulled, cut back and disposed of much like a lot of things that we hold on to, things we've done and said and things that others have done and said. Those are the weeds of our life.

 When I was down in dirt over these last two days pulling those not so nice weeds God spoke to me. He said "no matter what it is that you're doing I'm with you always, I'm not going anywhere." I've been out of sorts these last couple of weeks and it's taken it's toll on me, that's why I wanted to spend more time with Him this weekend, no distractions. If I had it my way, I would have loved to have just curled up at His feet like Mary did and put aside the Martha in me. But sadly the weeds don't get pulled on their own. I've said before that God is our gardener, He's pulled those weeds (our sin) which allows us to flourish as we should. But when those weeds pop back up and remind you of your past thru the works and whispers of Satan, then it's time to throw down the gauntlet and remind him of who you belong to and use the Word to defeat him because we can't do it alone, only with His help.

Part of my heart was left in India

I wrote this 3 years ago today and wanted to share it here.

They say India changes you. It's true.

Yesterday was CSR day in our India offices. CSR stands for Corporate Social Responsibility and the object of yesterdays service was a Catholic organization, the Home for the Disabled. To gain some perspective, India is approximately 2 or 3% Christian. This is 24M out of 1.2B. They are the smallest religious group and considered the smallest minority.

Being Christian is a difficult task in India, you give up your caste, which means you give up your family, identity, and much of the protections afforded by Hindu law. Priests and nuns in India are promised to God while in the womb. They are born into the service. It's a lonely road.

Another thing you need to know is that India doesn't have a program like Social Security that cares for the disabled. Families are also unofficially restricted to two children (for example, health insurance only covers two children per family), so when an child is born with a disability, they are often abandoned or killed. They are literally at the mercy of charity.

The Home for the Disabled is home to children and adults with various disabilities, from Down syndrome, to blindness, to mental retardation, to extreme physical disabilities, they take them all. Four nuns run the organization and they are heavily dependent on donations. There is one resident, Media, has extreme disabilities and has lived there since 1961. Her parents sent her away when she was a baby. When she was an adult she returned and they made her leave again so she came back to the Home and now cares for the younger children.

Our office brought two large bags of rice and several boxes of biscuits (cookies)  and we were honored to be a part of it.It was amazing to see the power of the love of God and Jesus. I know religion can be divisive, but I promise you, God is working in these people's lives. There were so many to love on. They were extremely friendly and introduced themselves heartily. I saw a blind man deliver food to the other boys and men, using his other senses to travel between buildings back and forth to feed those that couldn't leave their beds.

We have so much, they have so little, yet we are all still Sisters (and Brothers) in Christ. This may have been the best part of my trip. Words just don't seem to be enough. From now on, when I hear the phrase first world problems, I can honestly know that I have seen true third world problems. No matter your struggles, please count your blessings and hug your loved ones and be thankful you live in grandeur.

Sceptics and seeds

I know there are sceptics and those who doubt that the Lord speaks, they doubt that there are conversations between Him and those who He has chosen and called to be His children. However I feel there are more people in my circle who are believers there are those who will confidently agree that He speaks and listens. A good Father who not only wants to hear His children but speak as well. Over the last few years I've had several conversations with the Lord. Whether it's asking for guidance, praying for healing or speaking to Him about a certain situation but I can say that it's mostly been me listening. I want so desperately want to hear what He has to say and I want Him to guide me in what He wants me to do. When we spend time in the quietness and open our hearts and minds and when we listen with intent, He has so much to say and so much that He wants to pour into His children but we have to be willing recipients. 

I told you that I'd take you on the journey of becoming a Foster Parent and so here we are. It's the 3rd of June 2018 and I'm 99.8% done with all the paperwork and classes I have to take in order to become licensed by the state of SC. The magnitude of this hit me yesterday. I've been busy in completing the paperwork, making my home safe and child ready and getting ready for a mission trip next month that I haven't had a moment to slow down and think. When I heard the call from the Lord to become a Foster Mom, I just knew that I was fulfilling a call that He planted deep within me 32 years ago. I don't think I'm doing anything extraordinary I'm doing what I was called to do...I am on another mission trip, but at home.

I want to share the love that He has given me with kids who need it. I want to stand in the gap for these children and because they are precious to Him, they are precious to me. I want to be the hands and feet and let them know that they are loved and are deserving. I know that this calling will have it's challenges, there will be moments, days or entire seasons that will test me. There will be spiritual opposition and I will have to guard my heart. But I have confidence that my Heavenly Father will tell me what to do when I keep my heart and mind tuned into His grace and love. I will rely on Him to give me discernment when needed. But I will also rely on those whom He has placed in my life, those who will walk by me and hold me up when I can't do it alone.

I know He is faithful. I know He will sustain. I know He will guard my heart if I allow Him because He knows my heart, He's the one that planted the seed. He was the one that chose me to love the precious littles that will call me Mom, even if it is for a season. In all of this, I will choose joy because He has spoken.

Joshua 1:9

Holy Plans!

I can remember sitting in the hard wooden pew at church on Sunday's when I was 15 years old listening to our priest deliver the Gospel and sermons and having the thought of, this is what I'm supposed to do...but what exactly was "this"?

I grew up in the Episcopal and church there was comfort in knowing what to expect on a weekly basis, the ritualistic movements of the service from the procession of the choir, the acolytes and the priest to the liturgical flow of the service which doesn't change greatly from week to week. It gave worship a rhythm of familiarity to those who attended on a regular basis.I sang in the choir, not very well but did it with heart and I served as an acolyte but I before I took a step to do what I feel now was my calling, I walked away from the church. I left. Adios. What do I need church for? I was grown, so I thought, and made the decision that I didn't need this "place" anymore. I had removed myself from what I grew up knowing and I was gone for a long, long time. 

About 10 years ago I moved to South Carolina and finally found my little spot of dirt on this earth to call home and I've found my church. A place that my soul calls home, a place where I can move on what I've been called to do. During the years between leaving the church and finding my way back I struggled deeply and painfully and made bad decisions and had relationships with bad people. But in the midst of where I was I can now see where God was in it through the entirety. He never left His daughters side no matter how far I strayed or how many ridiculous decisions were made, He was there pulling me out of the dire straights, dusting me off and giving me another chance. Many chances given in grace.

Jeremiah 1:5 says "Before you say the light of day, I had holy plans for you." WOAH! He's saying He's already got it figured out He's just waiting for you to listen, act and be obedient to your calling. When I sat in the church all those years ago in the uncomfortable wooden pews it was laid on my heart, He gave me my holy plan. I want to be brave enough to travel the unknown path and learn what I'm capable of because of Him. The obstacles that I created myself in my past did NOT prevent me from my calling but have prepared me for it. I want to run towards my purpose without hindered feelings. I want to be in ministry.

Lord I don't know what being in ministry looks like but what I do know is that I surrender. Help me to remove me from me. Help me to find that little voice inside that says " there, that's it. That's why you're here." Help me move out of my comfort zone, make me uncomfortable for You. Help me to see the needs through Your eyes Lord and use me to minister those who You've put in my path. 

Ephesians 4:1

Help me see what You see

We've got a little over 4 months and we leave for Kenya again. It's almost been a year since the last trip and that in itself is so hard to believe, sometimes it seems like yesterday but then when I'm  thinking about it and getting excited and yearning to return it feels like another life time. There's a journey for each of us when we say "yes" to what He's called us to do. It starts with the praying on whether or not He wants you to go on the trip and when you hear His answer, that's when the wheels start turning. 

When I prayed about going on this trip the answer was an immediate "yes", I honestly can't recall ever having an answer so quickly on anything I've ever prayed about. Over the next couple of months after registering for the trip I would occasionally ask Him again during my quite time if I should go on this trip but I know why I kept asking for assurance, it was my lack of faith that I was worthy to go back. I remember one Monday morning this past December when I asked again and what I heard was this, "Stop asking me, I've already said you should go, now go I've got something to show you." It was said sternly and decisively in a way any good father would address his child when they keep asking for something over and over again. So after hearing that I came to the resolution and submitted to the fact that I'm supposed to be on this tri and the overwhelming weight of uncertainty was lifted and I was at peace about going.

Wait! What did He mean when He said He has something to show me? I've been blown away by Him telling me this and in anticipation I've been attempting to wrap my mind around what would my loving Father would have to show me but in doing so I'm not allowing the room He needs to work. So I've stopped trying to figure it out and over these last couple of months my prayer has been for me to have eyes to see what He needs me to see, I want to give it all to Him and have Him break my heart for what breaks His. I didn't have that "ahh ha" or "God moment" while we were in country last year, no my "God moment" happened after we came home, and it rocked me to my core. So my advise for anyone who has said yes to following God on a journey such as this, you need to go with no expectations. Go with and open mind and an open heart and ask Him to show you the something special He has in store for you and be prepared that you may not know or see it until you return home.

I know I've only been there once, but there's no denying that I'm sold out. I am so in love with the Kenyan people and the country that it feels like home and the reality of our time till wheels up has become more tangible in the last couple of days. I'm beyond excited and incredibly thankful that He has given me the opportunity to serve the people of Kenya and to serve the people, my family, on this team this coming July.

I have no doubt that He's going to show up and show out on this trip, He's done it before and will do it infinitely more times again. I can't wait to go home.

The Journey to becoming

I'm going to document the journey I'm on so that I can share with others who care to follow but also to keep record for myself of the process because I want to remember each of the steps it took to go where God has called me be. Some of these ramblings may be short, some may not, some may be read and some may not. It's going to be my thoughts, my fears, my joys, my heartbreaks, my struggles and my victories. Everything during my journey of becoming someone's mom.

3.3.2018 - Today was my first all day class in getting licensed to become a foster mom, I was a little apprehensive because I don't do well for in structured settings for long periods of time, I lose attention, get antsy and get bored quickly. In today's class there were 33 other people going through the same process, most were married couples and there were 4 single women. The instructor had a good sense of humor and taught well which made the time a little easier to deal with. While we touched on many subjects today the focus was on the different types of traumas the children may face and best practices approach on how to handle. We also talked about the fact that we need to have a community, a tribe or a village...whatever you want to call the group(s) of people you need to have to support you in this process. People who will walk with you, be there for you in times of need and love you when you're finding it hard to love yourself. 

While we were discussing placements, someone had spoken up and told her story how when she was fostering previously, she had a very supportive group around her during her first placement and then that child was returned home, a couple months went by and she had her second placement and the same people who were there at the time of need during her first had abandoned her during her second and my heart sank. I got nervous at the thought that what if that happened to me? I know He has prepared me for this journey and I know He'll never leave me.  

 

This is only the beginning of the classes with a few more to go, a couple more documents to be filled out and in-depth home visit has to be completed then once that's all done all that's left to do is wait on the state to approve the license. 

Praying for baby M, whomever he or she may be for safety and health. Your mommy loves you.

Vunerability, it happens

I'm going to be completely vulnerable because I need to write about this. Writing because I need to lay it down, pour it out and let it go. When my mom told me on January 30th that she and my dad would be moving back to FL in the next couple of weeks I was devastated, confused, angry and heart broken. I didn't understand how it came up so quickly, less than a month prior they had an offer on a home not to far from where I live but they had backed out of the contract due to inspection issues with the house...so I thought the search continued and it did, just not here. 

I'm starting in the season of my life where the foster classes are starting to pick up and the final paperwork is being sent in so I can become a licensed foster mom. I'm also praying ceaselessly that if it's the Lord will, that He allows an adoption through a foster. So my day dreams of my child running around grandma's and grandpa's back yard playing in the red dirt under the pecan trees while I sit on the porch with my mom and dad sippting our iced tea and our continuing the tradition of Sunday family dinners came to a halt.

I was at my parents two weekends ago just a couple of days after they had told me they were leaving and we faced time with my brother, sister in law and my niece. I sat back and watched my dads face light up grinning ear to ear and listened to him cooing at the little squishy faced angel, my mom was doing the same and it made me realize that they have the opportunity to see her more often, watch her grow up and be part of her life in ways now that they can't be while they're here.I found myself hating how I was responding to the new reality, I was being selfish there's no question about it, I wanted them here. 

Their plan was to leave this past Sunday and I had prepared my heart for their departure. I went to visit them on Saturday to say my "see ya laters", get my hugs and kisses and pray for safe travels. I drove away that night knowing I'd see them in a couple of months because we were planning my nieces birthday trip for the family. Little did I know that the following day after church while I was standing in Aldi buying lemons I would get a call from my dad asking me to drive my mom to Florida...that day. My mom, my rock, my confidant was in need and I needed to help. So I quicky made arrangements for my four legged babies to be watched and off I went. Honestly, my first reaction was anger. I was angry because I knew that I was going to have to say goodbye all over again and it was going to be as hard if not harder because I had no time to prepare and the last thing I wanted to do was drive them away from me. But GOD! 

What a blessing it turned out to be. My drive down to FL with my mom as my co-pilot was amazing. We listened to a few of the tunes that she raised me on, Carol King, Simon and Garfunkel, Randy Travis, Led Zeppelin and my favorite, James Taylor. It brought back good memories, memories of which I wouldn't trade for the world. We talked about Kenya and fundraising, we talked about work and life possibilities. We enjoyed each others company and I got one more day with my parents and I'm incredibly thankful for Him creating that opportunity.

God knows I need my family and while they're just a days drive away I know that they're all in one spot and I can visit whenever possible. My response of being devastated, confused, angry and heartbroken was repaired by seeing the faces of my parents when they saw their grandchild and hearing the hope in their voices when they talk about their future in FL, I would never want to take any of that away from them, I want them to be happy!

I know I'm not alone here because God has prepared a community for me well before any of this happened, He was not surprised by these circumstances. It's been an emotional rollercoaster these last couple of weeks, but I'll lean on this, one of my "go to" versus. Exodus 14:14

Through perseverence

We've all been tested through trials and tribulations. You don't wake up in the morning having thought today I'll start in the valley, I haven't had a good, rough run at it lately...do you? I doubt it. Having to go through them  and to overcome and triumph that's what makes our lives interesting. It's how we handle the darkness of being hidden in the valley that allows the true light to shine. If you're a believer and have faith that God has a purpose in everything, then you'll understand there's a purpose for the valley, although I can almost guarantee that when you're there, you can't see it. What then do we do when we push though and persevere through each tribulation, trial or heartbreak? We fall, we fall to our knees and thank the One who provided the light among our feet, the One who turn our valleys into mountain tops. Lets go for a walk...

A couple of days ago I was broadsided by some information that had brought me to my knees, my walk on the top of the mountain came to a halt when there was a forced detour came along and dropped me into a canyon. I know that sounds quite dramatic, but when it happened it felt just like that. I had lost my footing, the safety net was gone and all I could see was the ground racing towards me and remember how it hurt and felt the last time. It caused me to retreat, pull into myself and the devil has his way with my thoughts for about 24 hours. But I can tell you that our GOD is mighty to save, He is my rescuer and provider. I believe when the prayers of His warriors are laid down at His feet, He moves. He moves in ways we can't comprehend. He shows compassion and comfort and works miracles for those whom He loves, His children. The ground while it raced towards me, my fall was softened by the catch of my Saviors loving hand. Someone wise told me that "God wasn't surprised by this development." and she was right. Our trials and tribulations while its difficult to see the other side when you're in midst doesn't mean that He doesn't have a plan to show you out.

In a matter of the last couple of days, I've seen Him work in ways only He can and while there is still pain from the fall, I know deep in my heart that what will come of this is good and if His ways are followed and the if the path that we walk is lit with His lamp we will come to the mountain top again. I must persevere.